Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Time          

 Tick Tock.  I have been pondering, admiring and fearing this particular element and its silent pursuit ever since Eleanor and I had an episode on the bus two years ago.  I’ve also been meaning to write this ever since.  I have accumulated little notes on my bureau, snippets of thoughts recorded on my little hand-held, and random ideas that float in my head, but I was always doing something else and too often thought - I’ll get to it later”. 
Well here we are, two thousand years later, and I’m finally putting my thoughts to paper.
Together on good old 8 1/2 x 11.

We were on our way to the Draper Pool for an afternoon swim.  Eleanor was four years old.  When we got on the bus, across the aisle from us was a little old woman with deep wrinkles and a hunched back, who had forgotten her teeth.  She gave Eleanor a big gummy grin, with her face lit up in pure delight as sometimes happens when the elderly see the young.  Eleanor looked at her, then looked at me - - three times - - then her face crumpled into a picture of pure sorrow, she burst into tears as she threw herself into my arms and exclaimed “I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET OLD AND DIE!” 

Oh Boy. 

Sadly, I didn’t give the woman another thought as I had my hands full with my hysterical baby.  Needless to say, we spent a lot of time in the dressing room of the Draper Pool discussing age and time. To say I was caught way off guard is being kind.  She appeared to really understand the process of aging but was putting too much speed on it.  The entire experience was enlightening to say the least.

I haven’t been able to relax about it ever since.

I don’t want to freak you all out or anything, or have you constantly thinking of this wily, insistent, complicated, living breathing thing that is ALWAYS there.....but, think about it.  Do you remember?  Go back in your head to any young age you can think of, remember an event or a simple occurrence that has stuck with you throughout your life.  Examine its simplicity (in most cases), then think about your children, or your friend's children, your siblings, your nieces and nephews, your neighbor’s kid - - I don’t know, somewhere in your everyday life, you must come across a child here or there. 

Watch them, Listen to them, See them, Hear them.  All they want is your attention.  It doesn't last and it is incredibly powerful.  Children adapt to their surroundings better than any Chameleon.  I'm amazed at certain things, Idiosyncrasies’, I guess you would call them...of mine....that my children have picked up naturally.  I have just hit the tip of the ice berg of what I've been noticing over the past couple of years.  Since the Big Bus Ride.  It's Eerie and it's Amazing. 
 
My point is this – what actions are we as adults taking that will affect our children?  Because, let’s face it, they are going to be in charge one day - - perhaps of the very nursing home you may find yourself in.  Not to be scary morbid.   

The following are some memories that my little family and I have made over the past few years that I wouldn't mind capturing in this little paper capsule.  One of our favorite days was when we were staying at Ed's Cape house and one gorgeous, sunny day, Kerry, Ajay, Eleanor and I swam to the raft in the ocean.  Kerry, Ajay and I took turns holding and swimming with 3 year old Eleanor.  When we got there, huffing and puffing, the Lifeguard said “Everyone off the raft!" (we were able to go on the raft after he saw Eleanor buoyed amongst us, but I will never forget the look we gave each other bobbing in the ocean, proud and tired.  Kerry took "selfies" of us that day.  Those pictures are displayed in our home.  Over the past few Summers, no matter what beach we went to, we always collected bags full of rocks (mostly heart shaped).  In the evenings when it started to cool down, we painted them and then decorated our porch and our house.   Another day, we broke down on our way home from Marshfield, and on our way to Friendlies....in a tiny car with no roof and four hungry kids.  Two teenagers and two five year olds.  What a pickle that was until I ordered a pizza to be delivered to "the black car in front of the house".  And put it on my debit card.  A lot of people thought that was funny.  We were hungry, it worked, and I did not hear a complaint in the three hours we spent waiting for AAA.  Thank you Nintendo/Smart Phone/Pizza delivery guy.  What an Adventure.  That one is in the safe.  Then there are the easy things like when we play video games together or when Kerry, Ellie and I went out in a snow storm to buy more video games for PS3, only to get snowed in.  I heart getting snowed in.  Last week, Eleanor and I took a walk in the Arboretum at dusk, down by the spooky train tracks, the snow reflected light so it was spooky but not too much.  Those are just a few moments, snippets of time forever locked in my memory bank.  But they aren't alone.  I have entire stories from so many years ago that it hurts.  The hail storm at Water Country with Ray and Kathy, Jason, Vickie and Louie.  It was an amazing magical day and I will never ever forget it.  Sometimes when the oldies come out, I go on a roller coaster ride of emotion.  I laugh a lot, but I always end in tears because so many of them were with Jason and he is in Heaven and I miss him so.   There are compartments and an entire brain filing system or something, because even as I write this, I realize that there are so many memories, it's overwhelming when they flood me like this.  I need them in their place, neat and orderly.  Mostly, I take them out, like I just did, and revel in the feelings they evoke.  Or something will trigger a memory - it doesn't matter who it was with or what it is.....you never know - - just ride.....but this time, it was like they were fighting each other to get out and wow.....that was just mind boggling.

I always wonder - - What memories will stick with my children?  What about the yelling?  How come they don't remember that I told them not to do something.....even when I yell?  There were a couple of pure psycho moments when Kerry was growing up that I know will be one of the memories deep in the crazy drawer of her cache.  But also an entire drawer of wonderful ones.  Like Jamaica and playing dominos with the guys.  I think her memories are a little different than mine of that vacation.  There are some really good ones in that drawer - lifers. 

I also think of each night when I read a story to Eleanor, I feel like we could potentially be making a solid memory at any moment.  She very well may read the same story to her child some day and vaguely remember it.  For me; I can't seem to get through the kid's book "I'll Love You Forever" without leaky eyes because of the memories it conjures.  Who knows?  Maybe, my girls will have a memory of that book making me cry and it will make them emotional.  The future is the mysterious aspect of time.  In my case, I need to just put it in cruise control and see where it takes me.  Don't worry, I'll put my seatbelt on. 

I got a little off track, because that's what happens to me when I start thinking about all of this stuff - - it all comes back to the same thing.  Time.  Once you recognize its importance, it will make you think deep thoughts and oh yeah, it speeds up a lot.

Awareness is key.  Believe it or not, the World is small.  You never know if you are going to bump into someone that you cut off at the rotary or a person that you once helped carry their groceries.  Which brings us to an entirely different conversation (one sided I know) about Karma….which is just too much of a sharp right turn.  Let's go forward instead. 

I want to go back to our episode on the bus.  My Eleanor and her recognition of the aging process at such a young.  She has said to me, “Mom, I am going to grow up and have a baby and then that baby is going to grow up and have a baby and it just keeps going and I want you to stay just like this and be with me always”.  Then she gets very upset and has a difficult time with the realization of the circle of life and we have to break it all down again and go through it - - similar to the movie Fifty First Dates.....just not daily Thank Goodness.

It was and is eerie and sad and amazing all at the same time.  She is teaching me to be more mindful.  All this time, I considered myself pretty cognizant about my surroundings and my own head but I am just figuring out lately that I have been clueless.  Reflection.  I really need to be able to get myself out of it sometimes.  I think of things I did or didn’t do and how I would do some things differently if I had the chance.  What I'm learning to do is channel that into the future.  Enjoy and Savor.  My awareness has made me more Cautious and more Daring.  I am a work in progress.

I have and will continue to soothe Eleanor’s fears about my aging by simply doing the math with her.  Then I get stuck with it and end up in the revolving door of reflection.  In the deep end of my pool of memories. 

Time.  It is a wily thing.  Sometimes when you want it to go by quickly, it won’t.  When you want it to stand still, slow the heck down or just give you two minutes, it won’t do that either.  It’s constant and uncontrollable.  Bricks on the head don’t work.  The kids will grow.  They may or may not have children of their own.  And so on and so on.  Life goes on.  What do they remember, carry on and pass on is the question…..?

As I wrap it up, I want to mention that it has been quite a while since I’ve written anything.  I can never seem to find the time.  Today, I made the time.  It has been a little slice of Heaven to sit in front of my computer and write this all down…..maybe the ticking will give me a break now that I've confessed my fears ….but probably not.  Hug your kids, listen to them speak, read them a book, interact with them, look into their little faces, remember when you were that age...... and HAVE FUN……they will remember…..and you will too.