If I owned Heaven and West Roxbury, I'd rent out Heaven and live in the BURY!

That's Jay.  He Loved West Roxbury.  He was Loyal and True..... Although, if he was with us today, a creaking guy at almost 41, he would probably have a slew of kids and live in the Suburbs. Ha Ha.  I can hear him now....."School's are expensive Berl!"

Although, I don't picture him as a golfer or anything too suburbanite-like, but most definitely a gym membership, probably to the YMCA, and he would be involved in some kind of extreme sport.....most likely a weekly game of paintball.....he would have freaking loved those indoor paintball arena like places...maybe a handball player, like my dad.  He would own a dog, for sure, maybe two....Big.....

This is starting a little sporadic, pretty much like my mind all day.....jumbled with memories, flashing from super young to older and back. Boing a Boing a Boing.  A super ball on speed.

I have been trying to sit down, rein it all in and write for most of today, (2/4/13) and I have images and impressions and nostalgia flowing through me at a million miles a minute.  It feels similar to the day I learned we lost Jason, 18 years ago.  My mind is in over-drive, trying to recreate every waking moment I had until age 24, when my world changed irrevocably.

We were so entwined, Jay and I, like siblings but not.  Aunt and Nephew.  I remember the picture of me at age 3, holding Jason as an infant and I remember the look on my face in the photo, but not the actual act of holding him........ however, I DO remember stepping on his head within the first six months of his life..........  My sister was driving my Grandpa's old fashioned station wagon......seat belts weren't even invented if you can believe that, and I was in the way way back, goofing around until Carol or my Mom, it's fuzzy, yelled at me to "get up here!"......so, I launched over each seat, like a hurdler and pop, stepped right on his head. I don't remember how hard he or they screamed or anything other than stepping on his face.  Fade Out.

The next clear memory is at age four and of my gorgeous fuzzy orange and black caterpillar....I only left him for a minute to go into the house for something!  I came out onto the back porch just as my caterpillar was being consumed by my one year old nephew.  Dumb baby.  I was horrified.  He ate my pet.  Ate it.  Didn't squish him, step on it, or poke it, kid couldn't even walk yet, how the heck did he manage to get my caterpillar and eat it so fast?  Actually, I just triggered another memory of Jay eating dog biscuits around that same time - - clearly he had digestive issues. 

I flash forward a handful of years and a boatload more nieces and nephews and remember having dinner at  brother Tommy's house, down the street.  Jay told him he was going to puke if he ate beans.  All the other kids ate them, I ate them.  But not Jason, oh, noooo - - he gagged and carried on until there was nothing left to be done.  Ha Ha.  After that, he always asked what was for dinner before accepting an invitation.  I distinctly remember rolling my eyes.

Then there was the time that the awful little kids around the corner were throwing rocks and one almost hit him, he was about 4 years old......maybe 5, so I was 7 or 8.  I remember it like it was yesterday, and in slow motion.  I stood up and yelled, "Don't you throw rocks at my Nephew!", and the rock came out of my hand as my hand fell forward, and the sound effects like do do do do do........end over end like a perfectly thrown spiral......do do do do, plunk....right between the eyes....a drop of blood, and that is all we had to see, we high tailed it out of there because we knew we were in trouble.  Barney Rubble.  Man.  I had awful aim too, but not that day.....

I remember when Jason was around six or seven, he would make up jokes.  They would make no sense at all.  He would say the same kind of poop jokes each time that made no sense and went on and on and would make him laugh and laugh.  I would always say the same thing.  "That doesn't even make sense"...the only one I can truly recall with accuracy is; "There was this guy and he was pooping all over the place and his house filled with poop so he had to open the door, but the street was filled with poop, so he was swimming in poop all the way to the poop store.  poop."  sniffle sniffle laugh laugh.  I had to laugh.  It was so ludicrous it was funny.  Jay was the original Ludicrous.

I remember the first time I was ever on a horse was with Carol and Jason, and we flew, and I developed a love for fast horses that to this day still burns strong.

Every Summer we spent a couple of weeks at Manomet.  There are parts of the beach and some back roads that I can't even walk on without being slammed into the past.   I could write another couple of blogs on those memories alone.......Green Harbor, Marshfield too.  On Brian Dowling's boat.  Water skiing, tubing, jumping off huge bridges with mad currents, or sliding down barnacle covered jettys, staying in the ocean until we were waterlogged and sun kissed.......only to swim some more.
We would both actually emerge into made up worlds no matter the season, all we had to do was make it up, describe it a little and  boom, we would be gone, off and running with it......like the "little people" in the sand dunes, or Tarzan, flying through the air on a rope swing - from the neighbor's garage roof.  Honestly, how did we not have broken limbs?

We were both on the Gator's swim team, albeit different age groups.....but I remember that no matter what big race I was in, Districts or New England's, Jay was there too.....and always Carol.  Cheering us on.  He didn't get nervous like me, he would just do it.....me, I would puke before each race. 

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Throughout the years, there were so many water slides.  We broke all the rules when it came to water park fun.  We were clever and usually only had a half hour to ride, so we did not mess around.  We would bug Carol all day while we were at the beach.....ALL DAY.... So, all bets were off when we finally got our time, every minute counted.  Jason was small and very nimble.....he could do the Russian dance where you cross your arms and kick out your feet in the chair pose.....he actually did that dance well......I think it's Russian.  Anyway, he was small, fast and fearless.....so, I would set him loose and he would run from the bottom of the staircase, through the people, to the top of the water slide....and I would run after him, yelling "Jason, stop! You can't cut people!" ......over and over again until we reached the top.....then he would stop himself halfway down the slide until I caught up and we would train the rest of the way down.......and he would run through the same line of people and so would I, saying the exact same thing, but usually laughing and splashing water all the way.  Hey, it worked.....it didn't even occur to us to change it up, or use false names.....ha ha....we were so smart....nobody said anything to us.....every Summer we pulled that.

Another clear memory is of skiing with my brother Tommy and his kids.  Tom brought Jason and I along.  After a full afternoon of lessons, of which everyone else passed with flying colors, I was still stuck on the bunny slope, shutting it down every time I tried to just "lean", until I was literally asked to just "walk up the hill if I wanted to ski".....ha ha....but not Jay.  I remember he took to skiing like a duck to water.

Years later, I may have been 20, Jay 17, we went on a weekend ski trip with my niece Dawn, and some of her friends. Jay spent the entire first day skiing backward and holding my hands......until he thought I was ready and then took me on the black diamond trail.  Boy, was he wrong about that one.  Tumble tumble tumble, ski, pole, sky, ski, pole, sky.  Luckily no flashing lights on that trip - neither po po nor ambulance. 

A couple of years later, after I went to Cali, then England and back,...  I moved to Maine and we would spend every Saturday night together.  Those were the Kara days.  I love that girl.  Kara Powderly LeBlanc....xoxo love you girl.  I am so thankful, and eternally grateful, for those nights......Time, it's a tricky and wily thing.  It's barreling past me at the speed of light and there are no handrails to slow it down.  Spend time with the people who  matter.....you might not get another chance.

I remember a few times, coming down from Maine and going out with my friends, with plans to crash at Jay's......only to "sneak" into the house very late at night...... tip toeing into a full blown party and my sister in Mexico....  big ass dog asleep, everyone else awake. And being psyched and yelling "I've got the water bed!"  Speaking of the water bed, I slept so awesome in that bed, until Jay would wake up and turn the cartoons on a little too loudly in the morning (usually at an unbelievably early hour and those Poke Mon like kind of cartoons that I didn't even like), and then laugh and laugh until I would grumble and stomp into the Living Room to see what was so funny.  We would always end up the same way, feet to feet, under his ugly as sin, brown and orange afghan blankie, waiting for the other to get up first so we could nonchalantly ask "get me a drink while you're up?".......I always lost.  Always.  Well, until I peed in a glass and tried to get him to drink the "warm lemonade"....my laughter tipped him off....that, the heat, and my willingness to not only bring him a drink, but say "ha ha ha drink it, ha ha, it's LEMONADE, drink it" ha ha...   OMG, we used to drink hot chocolate with cold milk and eat the chocolate powder bubbles with a spoon.  It was awesome.  Although, I tried it about a decade ago and it was awful.  Ha Ha....Time, playing tricks again.  Taste Bugs Change.  

  It's closing in on midnight now, and the beginning of another year of missing my boy....there are so many more stories, impressions, memories....there are millions and I have them wrapped up and tucked away, I bring them out,  shine them up and pass them around sometimes.  I am always anxious to hear about yours, so please share. I will write again and more often than once or twice a year.

I know he's watching......I can feel him with me a lot....every step of the way, just like always......xoxox love you forever...
 
I'm adding things here and there, as things come to me...I'm happy to share and want you all to know that throughout this creation, I've laughed and cried and again asked aloud "Why Jay?, Why?"